I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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