she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize