Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
