my phone needs a breathalizer
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I sprained my soul last night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
