between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
