what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
