Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Even my vagina gasped.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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