Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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