She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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