soooo we both peed the bed last night...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
