i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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