If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Boobs speak an international language.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize