i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
