I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize