He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
