textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
