Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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