Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize