I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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