Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
