how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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