I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Found your dick twin last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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