After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize