I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
