I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize