The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
nutella sex= disaster
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
