I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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