omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
