just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
MIDGETS
????
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
