I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need to sanitize my soul.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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