My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize