just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
