He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
