ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
