singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
