my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
