Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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