but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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