While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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