I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
