Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
