I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
