I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
