My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
