There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
