Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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