mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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