I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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