he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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