I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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