I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
