Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
