It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
