I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my liver is dry heaving
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
