but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
