Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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