and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize