Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
