Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
