I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize