I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
