i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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